Beginning to Choose Myself.
Hello There. Is life getting a bit too lifey? Is everything mentally caving in? Is your heart palpitating? Did you quit a job even though you said you wouldn’t? Have you lost all sense of self and identity and you have no idea what is going on?
Welcome to the liminal space.
A liminal space is one where there is a transition like a road, a hallway, or a stairway only it goes on forever. Mental liminal space is the same. Dark. Infinite. Beautiful.
I was in the perfect space again. I had a steady source of income, insurance, and a nice identity to wear like a mink overcoat. I had an identity to hide in. It was good for now. But on the inside, I was sweating.
I have no idea what I am doing and I have no idea who I am and I have no idea where I’m going and this isn’t me this isn’t me this isn’t me…
I thought that voice would die down. I thought it would fall silent. I thought eventually I would fake it until I made it. That’s what they tell you, isn’t it? To fake it until you make it? Maybe I didn’t make it.
The overcoat of my false identity got too hot. I was sweating and I didn’t want to wear it. My other identities are too hot now too and I just want to lie on the floor and start over. Again.
I’m going to have to keep starting over until I accept myself for who I am, and I really don’t want to commit to being myself. Because when I do, I’ll have to truly bet on myself, make a schedule for myself and live for myself. Yikes. I’ll have to choose myself.
I don’t want to choose myself.
If I choose myself, I can seriously get hurt. I think I chose myself once and got tricked. I think I chose myself once and lost myself completely. At least I think I chose myself. It felt like I did. Didn’t I?
I don’t think I’ve ever actually chosen myself.
I think I’ve chosen ideas of myself that others have been able to distinguish. I’ve chosen the artist, the singer, the musician, the dancer, the therapist, the wife, the gamer, the yogi, the program manager, the case manager, the listener, the gardener, the best friend, and everything but myself. I have chosen all of these…