I am going back to her old ways.
I have been allowing her to speak through me because I can no longer hold her back
I can no longer keep her together
I got into this field to help her
I got into this and hid my face and dropped off of the earths equator to get her into a space where she could figure things out
Now she is more confused than ever
She is more tired than ever and she hasn’t learned anything
In fact she is unlearning
It’s terrible to watch
As I am too tired to hold her down. She is bubbling up and writing songs, poems, dancing, and playing video games.
She is staying up late, eating pizza and drinking carbonated beverages.
She is writing anarchistic emails to her superiors, arguing, and taking up space again.
A dangerous past time.
This broken clock wrong most of the time is living my life.
I hate her. But she’s here to stay.
I am envious of her bravery and her passion for making things fair. I tried to tell her it’s not fair and to just shut up and give up. Does she want more beatings from life? Does she want life to continuously punch her in the soul and rip her heart out through her chest?
Yes. She lives for this.
She screams at this. She will break her phone against the wall for this. She will slice into her skin for this. She wants everyone to know her name because she is consistently forgotten. She wants to make the world her home because her childhood castle was burned in front of her big brown eyes and given to someone with deep blue hues simply because the monsters that be found her to be unworthy of peace.
I thought I killed her to be honest. I thought I could continue to bury her underground every time she rose up. But I can’t. She’s here. In all her bitterness she is here walking with quick steps and harsh truths. She is embarrassing me with her arrogance and her desire for justice. She is embarrassing me by sharing our thoughts right now.
I’m too tired to silence her. She is too strong and she will never die.