More Mental Breakdowns.

Photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash

I just feel so alone and like my whole body is on fire. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do anything anymore and I am so annoyed with everyone and everything.

My eyes are glazing over looking at my emails. All I am seeing are dates and blue letters. I’m supposed to put them on my google calendar for grad school but I can’t even do that. I have to redo a written assignment for class because I did it totally wrong because my brain is not working at all. Literally not working even a little bit, and I have had it with everyone in my house.

My grandmother has found a cousin of mine in the Philippines and is yelling at everyone to adopt him. I had no intention of adopting a child I can barely take care of myself right now. Now she is yelling at everyone and calling us ungodly for not taking care of this baby.

There is so much going on in my mind. I started a new medication and my depression has ramped up. Not to a dangerous level but to a different level than it has been. It just feels dank. Not dark. But dank. This depression feels like a sewer and a gross space made out of anger.

I put on a fake smile for my job interviews and I feel sick going to them knowing that I am dead inside. My resume looks amazing sans leaving my most recent job after 9 months. My quickest stint as of late. I am sweating

I hope they don’t know I’m not stable right now. I hope they can’t smell my instability. I hope they don’t see the brokenness in the creases of my eyes. I can’t even cry anymore. I don’t even know how. Just get the job get the money keep going.

I’ve been reading Rest is Resistance a Manifesto by Tricia Hersey lately. I read the first chapter and cried. I felt seen and broken by every word. I felt a need to take a break. I need to take a break. I need to sleep. It’s hard to break free from when you live in a house full of capitalist-obsessed work hounds and your husband is on a weird kick for overperforming. I am so tired of overperforming. I want to scream. I don’t want to do it any more okay? I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I just want to sleep. My soul longs for a deep rest that I can’t even reach. I don’t even know where it begins. I tried talking to my friend on the phone and all he was…